To the World at Large:

   No, I am not neglecting you, I am merely waiting until I have the right words conjured up in my head. It was only a minute ago, I realized I will never have the "right" words. So away with the procrastination.

  I am sure most of you know that we have been anxiously awaiting "results" from tests over the little Allison member in our family. I hesitate to spell it out, because I am fearful people will feel sorry for her or even Josh & I. Perhaps that is my pride, but in all honesty we do not want pity, it is of highest importance to us to raise this little lady with confidence, while it may be a bit different, it is still a form of confidence.

   That being said, I got the anticipated call from the Pediatrician the other day, and he asked us to come in & bring a relative. You can imagine our fear. It is awful to be so frantic inside, but we went in, sat down and he proceeded with the news. There is a very large portion of her brain that is not correct. I am not sure how else to say it, because no one is yet entirely sure of what has happened, or have we heard a so-called "name". After it was out of his mouth, I was pretty sure I was paralized, I looked at Josh, & I could tell he felt the same way. How do you listen to something like that when you have ideas, hopes, & dreams all built up inside of you? . . . and further more, how do you believe it when she seems fairly normal? . . . and even more, when it is your own child, & you so desperately wish it was you instead of them? If only you could snap a finger.
  Basically he told us that from his perspective, after looking at the MRI, she should be mostly a vegetable. ANGER, INSANITY, RIDICULOUSNESS. She most certainly is not. We know without a doubt she knows us. I could list a hundred different ways but I will not bore you. It would just be that droning "mother babble" as I call it. He did say before we left that we must have a miracle child. Which is the truth. She has been through quite a bit in her small life, & managed to bounce out of it all. ( I snuck a little "babble" in, notice? ! ) So with wild beating hearts we left that room I really never want to see again. . . & took missy home with a million questions running around in our heads. He set up an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist in Wichita, which we went to yesterday. He did confirm that she definitely has a substantial brain developement issue. He thinks that most likely it was developing fine until maybe birth time & then perhaps it was an oxygen defficiency that created the issue. The brain does not "rebuild" cells, it regenerates. So that means that we have no idea the extent of the issue, or will we know much until she is a little older. Hence, another waiting game.

   So, in short, we have no idea what life will hand to our little mite. What we do have an idea of, is the fierce love we have for her. She is a priority, the cutest little thing when she is asleep, loves to be kissed, only wants her high-chair when she wants it, has to sit at a 90 degree angle, smiles big at daddy when he gets home from work after an hour of being annoyed at everything I supposedly am not doing just exactly right, spends 5 minutes smiling at the afghan that does nothing more than "lay" on the chair, & last but not least, her love affair over carrots. Who loves carrots? Her. It completely stupifies me why you would like smashed orange carrots. That is what we eat, or I should say, gobble off the spoon. It is also what we spit on dad & mom when they brainlessly pick white clothes for that day.

   Now I will ask a favor of you, when you see our little family in Wal-Mart, or ogling at the newest little family of ducks in the park, do not look at any one of us with sad eyes. Instead, thank God that he saw fit to give us the 2 most beautiful girls in the world. . . & remember that we are just down here following along behind His bigger plan for us. I know that he took Lizzy about 90 years before we wanted him to, but in reality she has recieved the grandest prize in life, Heaven. Josh & I never have to spend nights wondering where she is, she is up among the flowers. . . & with a positive outlook, we want to raise her other half to be right there with her someday. My most beautiful imagination, is seeing two little girls with dimples in their chins running around together telling secrets, never worrying about eyes, or brains, or hearts, for God will have given them everything in perfection. I always think that I will have so many questions for him, but I'm wondering if it won't be so perfect, the questions will vanish. Who really knows?


 P.S. the night before we went to the Nuerologist, Olivia laughed out loud in the bathtub. Of course she did it for dad. Ironic how that works.

Hello

    So I have been procrastinating on "blogging". Mainly because the story that is running around in my head is certainly not my favorite one, but as you know, life is not always perfect & it never has been or will be. That being said, Josh & I have been concerned for some time now about little miss's eyes. I have talked to several people & have taken her to two eye doctor's. Last wednesday we went to Wichita to a Doc that specializes in pediatric opthamology (is that how you spell that?).
  He knew right away that something wasn't right, but he is not certain as to what is really going on. So after 2 agonizing hours of trying to entertain O with her dilated pupils, he finally told us that as far as her actual "eyes" he can't see anything wrong, & that we will have to go in and get an MRI. Whatever that all means. He didn't give out a whole lot of information because he feels he is not certain as to what it is. So we shall wait. Next thursday I'm taking her back to Wesley :(  As you know, my brain went into over-drive. I immediately started thinking the worst, I didn't know if I should punch the wall or storm out of there without a backward glance. ( I did neither)
  Then I started a pity-party, which avails nothing. I kept thinking that Olivia has went through more than enough in her little life, & that it wasn't fair, & on & on that went. Until Josh called me that is, & reminded me that it would all be ok, (what would we do without J.D.Allison?) & that God wouldn't give us more than we could handle. I guess I never realized how much emotion is involved with the words "mom" & "dad". You have millions of dreams and hopes for your child/children & you selfishly want it to go a certain way. . . . but, that is not life.
  Here I go sounding like there is something drastically wrong, when I haven't a clue, so I do apologize:) I realized on my way home that day, that I must step out of my "bubble" & look at the bigger picture. So that is my newest aspiration in life. Olivia is going to be fine, not just in this, but in whatever life brings to her. She is quite possibly the healthiest little rolly-polly "mite" I have ever laid eyes on. People have went from saying " she is so tiny" to "looks like she's well fed". If I had a quarter for every time we hear that I would have a nice little stash.
   . . . & on a brighter note. We have her. Every day & night we stare at her in aw. . . is there anything so perfect as a little child? If so I haven't found it. Her hair is really starting to grow. Straight as a board hair. I keep wondering how in the scare I will comb straight hair? I'm used to crying, & wailing & howling at the moon because my hair is so obstinate. So actually I'm looking forward to this newest "invention". Johnson & Johnson smelling baby hair. I would be perfectly fine if my nose were super-glued to a bottle of that stuff. Delish-ee-oso.
  Here is my song for the day. . .
                           The waves of devotion resound in my soul,
                           & sparkle so bright in the sun.
                           I drink from that fountain,
                           Oh glory, I'm whole,
                           My eden on earth has begun.
                   

DIY Shoes

. . . .  yes, I know it's been 8 days since I wrote a note, it seems like 8 minutes. I have not forgot about you. So much has happened in those days. . . .  funny. . .  it has been some of the same things happening over & over. Still, it is a lot of things. I have been trying to perfect my "shoes"


Yes. . . it takes a LOT of tries.

A break-down diagram of life.

So . . . .next, is a picture of who I live with. Does it not look like "sleepy"

& "happy" ??

close up



and then I realized my "new"
plant had opened up. Isn't it cool ?