No, I am not neglecting you, I am merely waiting until I have the right words conjured up in my head. It was only a minute ago, I realized I will never have the "right" words. So away with the procrastination.
I am sure most of you know that we have been anxiously awaiting "results" from tests over the little Allison member in our family. I hesitate to spell it out, because I am fearful people will feel sorry for her or even Josh & I. Perhaps that is my pride, but in all honesty we do not want pity, it is of highest importance to us to raise this little lady with confidence, while it may be a bit different, it is still a form of confidence.
That being said, I got the anticipated call from the Pediatrician the other day, and he asked us to come in & bring a relative. You can imagine our fear. It is awful to be so frantic inside, but we went in, sat down and he proceeded with the news. There is a very large portion of her brain that is not correct. I am not sure how else to say it, because no one is yet entirely sure of what has happened, or have we heard a so-called "name". After it was out of his mouth, I was pretty sure I was paralized, I looked at Josh, & I could tell he felt the same way. How do you listen to something like that when you have ideas, hopes, & dreams all built up inside of you? . . . and further more, how do you believe it when she seems fairly normal? . . . and even more, when it is your own child, & you so desperately wish it was you instead of them? If only you could snap a finger.
Basically he told us that from his perspective, after looking at the MRI, she should be mostly a vegetable. ANGER, INSANITY, RIDICULOUSNESS. She most certainly is not. We know without a doubt she knows us. I could list a hundred different ways but I will not bore you. It would just be that droning "mother babble" as I call it. He did say before we left that we must have a miracle child. Which is the truth. She has been through quite a bit in her small life, & managed to bounce out of it all. ( I snuck a little "babble" in, notice? ! ) So with wild beating hearts we left that room I really never want to see again. . . & took missy home with a million questions running around in our heads. He set up an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist in Wichita, which we went to yesterday. He did confirm that she definitely has a substantial brain developement issue. He thinks that most likely it was developing fine until maybe birth time & then perhaps it was an oxygen defficiency that created the issue. The brain does not "rebuild" cells, it regenerates. So that means that we have no idea the extent of the issue, or will we know much until she is a little older. Hence, another waiting game.
So, in short, we have no idea what life will hand to our little mite. What we do have an idea of, is the fierce love we have for her. She is a priority, the cutest little thing when she is asleep, loves to be kissed, only wants her high-chair when she wants it, has to sit at a 90 degree angle, smiles big at daddy when he gets home from work after an hour of being annoyed at everything I supposedly am not doing just exactly right, spends 5 minutes smiling at the afghan that does nothing more than "lay" on the chair, & last but not least, her love affair over carrots. Who loves carrots? Her. It completely stupifies me why you would like smashed orange carrots. That is what we eat, or I should say, gobble off the spoon. It is also what we spit on dad & mom when they brainlessly pick white clothes for that day.
Now I will ask a favor of you, when you see our little family in Wal-Mart, or ogling at the newest little family of ducks in the park, do not look at any one of us with sad eyes. Instead, thank God that he saw fit to give us the 2 most beautiful girls in the world. . . & remember that we are just down here following along behind His bigger plan for us. I know that he took Lizzy about 90 years before we wanted him to, but in reality she has recieved the grandest prize in life, Heaven. Josh & I never have to spend nights wondering where she is, she is up among the flowers. . . & with a positive outlook, we want to raise her other half to be right there with her someday. My most beautiful imagination, is seeing two little girls with dimples in their chins running around together telling secrets, never worrying about eyes, or brains, or hearts, for God will have given them everything in perfection. I always think that I will have so many questions for him, but I'm wondering if it won't be so perfect, the questions will vanish. Who really knows?
P.S. the night before we went to the Nuerologist, Olivia laughed out loud in the bathtub. Of course she did it for dad. Ironic how that works.
